Listening to: Secret Garden~Gackt (*pervy look*)

Reading: the news.

So, I’ve been promising a new layout for months and months. I started a couple. Finished a couple. I just didn’t like any of them. That is, until I found the most fabulous photo by mcneal and decided I wanted my site to be adorned with it, so, to hold myself accountable, here is a preview. Expect layout by the end of the week.

click here

Pretty, oui? Non?

All I have to report.

Listening to: Syunikiss~Malice Mizer

Reading: Shadowmarch~Tad Williams

I really shouldn’t let this bother me, but I find it so incredibly irritating how mothers will bitch to their little girls about how heavy/ugly/otherwise-inferior they find themselves and then wonder why their little girl has low self-esteem.

Firstly, I wonder why people have made such a big deal about self-esteem. Telling your child that he/she is beautiful/talented/wonderful has little effect on the reality. I also find it hilarious how parents will tell their children that they’re pretty/handsome and then in the same breath that looks don’t matter. If your child actually DOES think themselves pretty then you’re putting it into their heads that being pretty is somehow a bad thing, and if they DON’T find themselves attractive, then you’re making them think that you really believe they’re ugly but are hiding it.

But returning to the original thought. Irregardless of whether or not you’re ugly/heavy/bitchy, you telling that to your child that you think so about yourself is just going to make your child model your behaviour. You’re your child’s idol, so when you point out your flaws to them, not only are you fucking with their heads, but you’re affecting the way they view themselves because YOU are their metaphorical compass in life. At least for now.

Honestly, I think self-esteem is the most overblown pet-project of pop psychology. Whether I find myself beautiful or not is irrelevant to my actual beauty (no matter what the Ladies’ Home Journal tells you), you telling me that I’m talented at -insert skill/hobby/job here-doesn’t affect my talent. In fact, I’ve almost found it stunting because you run the risk of making your child content with their current situation and never improving beyond that.

My parents and other adults have been telling me I was beautiful since I was old enough to understand (and even before that, so I’m told). Do I regard myself as attractive? Yes and no. I used to think I was incredibly ugly, but now I’m more relaxed about it. I’d be a freakin’ bombshell in the ’50s, I’m an “okay” nowadays, I’d be considered terribly ugly in the 14th century, etc. It’s such a relative thing, and you know what? I really don’t care.

-Rowena

Listening to: nothing.

Reading: way too much.

Heh, I suppose I ought to bow and scrape to make up for not posting in forever. But, I sincerely doubt you care, so, meh, a simple “sorry” will suffice.

Things are…markedly more interesting, in my neck of the wood. The boyo that’s been mentioned in previous posts decided to talk again, then decided not to, then decided to talk, then not to, then again so now we’re talking…cautiously.  Despite my insanity, he’s actually stuck around and I’m totally impressed with him.

So, although things are definitely nicer with me and him, most other things seem to be getting worse. I’m no longer finding my church a place where I can worship, I’m a little harried trying to get everything done before June 1st (school), and a couple of other things which I don’t really feel like going into.

Standardized testing was this past Monday-Tuesday for me. All of the grammar and such was a breeze, math was a little uncomfortable (a lot of it I hadn’t done in a long time, or was unfamiliar with their terminology), Social Science was boring me to tears, and Science was awful. A lot of it I hadn’t done since I was 12, and if I hadn’t done it, it was related to evolution.

<rant>Although I’m all for homeschooling (if done properly), that’s one thing that really bugs me about Christian homeschooling, yeah, so you’re raising kiddos to believe in ID (intelligent design). Yay! However, I don’t think it’s right to send your children off to high-school, or if you homeschool them through high-school: college/grad school, and they don’t know anything about macroevolution other than “Ooooh, it’s bad!” Not only does it make your kid look like an ass to non-Christians, but it’s kinda stacking the deck against them. College is a stressful time, and with having to learn and question all this stuff you’ve been previously told was wrong, I think it’s very easy to get drawn into the beliefs (or lack thereof). </rant>

My Medical Transcription classes are going uber-fast, I’m doing two chapters a day. Now all I’ve got to do to maintain that I’m not devoured by the powers that be is…

1. Put the final touches on an ex-teacher’s novel and send it to him either on Saturday or Monday.
2. Finish up my own novel.

3. Keep the parental units happy (I sense they’re not too pleased with me…)

4. Work on my Japanese.

5. Find some cheap electives courses. Blah.

6. Make a quilt.

7. Raise money for the “youth group trip.” Ugh. I’m starting to loathe organized religious activities. Perhaps organized religion, in general. But, I’m aware of the weirdness of my church that is unique solely to my church.

8. Manage to spend the mandatory 7-18 hours it takes to finish the two novels on the laptop and STILL convince my parents that I’m not looking at porn or soliciting myself as an RPG-hooker.

9. Get a gift for mother’s day. Even though I’m broke.

Actually, now that I’m going through it, it doesn’t seem as terrible as I first thought (although still admittedly kinda sucky). Meh, at least my social life isn’t as whacked.

-Rowena

Listening to: I Can’t Decide~Scissor Sisters 

Okay, so I need a blog post about events. I’m sick about writing about my feelings, I feel like an emo or something. So, yeah, I’ve decided I’m going to be happy, disregard my somewhat stressful position at the moment and blog away about stupid stuff. Now, then, back to shocking news:

I’d like to join the US Army.

Yeah…your jaws are dropping, now, I can hear ‘em. Allow me to explain my motives:

So, I’m set to graduate next April. As a result, I’ve been looking at colleges and graduate schools (I’m going to be a psychologist). College I’m not too worried about, if you know where to look you can basically get your education for free or something close to it. It’s Graduate School that’s tough. If I went to some little-heard-of Graduate School that barely squeaked by the APA (American Psychologists Association) standards, I’d still have to pay 50k a year and I’d go for 5 years. That’s a lot. I don’t want my parents paying for anything more than 15k of my tuition. They have to put my sister through college in a couple of years, as well, and I just don’t think it’s fair for them.

I found a couple of graduate schools that I’d have to pay something in between the range of 60-70k (trust me, that’s cheap) and that’s just coursework, that doesn’t include stuff like internships, my dissertation, student and book fees, etc. Thusly, I’m going to have to work all through uni and grad school as a pricey hooker…Well, not really, I’m just going to have to have to work two or three medical transcription and web design jobs.

OR…

I could enlist in the army as a Clinical Psych. student and they’d pay for a good portion of my schooling, plus a monthly stipend. When I was on break, I’d do training (I’d have to undergo BASIC training and stuff…meep.) and be given OFFICER’S PAY. After I graduate, I become an Active Army Clinical Psychologist, and because I have a degree I’m an officer. I get all the perks of being an officer. Not only that, but by the time I graduate I’m going to be 21 to 23, depends, and very few people want a 20-year-old psychologist working at a clinic. But they’d hire me!  So, I work for 2-6 years, get a bunch of experience, possibly go overseas and they’ll pay for continuing my training, and then I can leave with a fabulous addition to my resume and some good savings and go do what I want.

My Mum likes the idea, my Dad was essentially like, “As long as you pray about it and get a clear answer from God, I’m fine with it.”

So, yes, I have been praying about it, and if the answer is no, that’s fine, I know that if I had to I could pay for it, I just think the Army is the most sensible choice I can see right now.

In other news, today I finish school for this grade. Applause, please. Because of the house and a lot of other things it took forever, but I’m finally done. I’m going to finish my MT course after this, which will take me maybe 2 months, perhaps a little more. If nothing unexpected comes up, I’ll go back to school this June/July-ish. Which, if I do that, I may get done with school before 2009…that’s an insane thought. *shudders* My days would be mind-numbingly boring.

I think that’s all I have to report. At least about things I’d like to blog about. I swear, my life isn’t this boring, it just seems that way.

Rowena

Listening to: Say U Love Me~Jason and Lara

Reading: Nothing.

So, first off, I owe you guys an apology. My previous post was immature and totally out of line. Because I was angry I said a lot of things that weren’t true. I made it sound like I was leaving because I was angry with him, and I’m far from it. I was just angry at me and very frustrated with the entire situation.  Dakara, gomen nasai/So yi daui bu chi/etc. *bows*

I left for several reasons, but the basic thing that they all have in common is that I felt like that if I stuck around and got more emotionally wrapped up in the situation that it would later hurt him and others. It really sucked having to watch he and the last girl he liked, and I didn’t want to stick around and watch this because I was worried I’d say something that was out of line. Or, use my position as “Official Female Best Friend and Adviser” to manipulate them. It’s a bad side of me, and I’m not proud of it, but I think that I would eventually do that. I couldn’t continue always giving advice to him (which is a rather sizable part of our relationship) and yet be keeping this secret from him. It would be dishonest and I’m about 100 percent sure that if he knew I had such strong feelings for him, he certainly wouldn’t ask me for advice.

There are a couple other reasons, and I’m sorry if my previous post caused any confusion or caused you to think less of me. That’s really all I have to say, until next time.

Listening to: Bad Person~Xeno

Reading: Teach Yourself Japanese

So, yeah, I said I had adopted an indifferent attitude towards love and guys in my last post…then he came back.  Damn him. Damn him. Damn him!

I can’t remember if I posted anything about him, here, I posted some about him on my previous site. He’s sweet, he’s a gentlemen, he loves God and was basically the main reason I didn’t leave Christianity last year. He’s taught me so much…but for a guy who’s got most of it together, he’s totally oblivious to my feelings for him. A good thing, I guess, but still…I love him. He drives me crazy, and I know that I do the same to him, but I love him.

I can’t have him, as much as I’ve prayed and pleaded with God, I can’t. For one thing, there’s a pretty sizeable age gap between us, there’s no point to it, at the moment, etc. Which is the major thing that inhibits me. If I could have him, I’d want him basically forever. I wouldn’t make him one of my boy-toys, I’d want him as a soul mate. That, and I respect the girl he’s with. She’s great and she has all the qualities which (in his own words) I lack as a potential girlfriend.

If I stuck around, I’d be subjected not only to watching he and this girl, but also to flirtations. Part of our friendship which makes me so ‘fun’ for him, is that we flirt with eachother. Sometimes lightly, and in ways I do with all my other guy friends, and sometimes enough to make me blush. Which…takes a considerable amount of energy to do so. That’s hard, and it also pisses me off that he has flirted with me in less-than-innocent ways after he already has asked this girl out. If I were the girl and I was aware of that, I’d be unhappy.

Which is why I’m removing myself from the situation. I’ve cut off as much contact as I possibly can with him. I miss him like hell, and it’s only been a week. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like in the future without him. I didn’t really understand how large a part of my life was occupied by him; I feel…so empty without him. Oddly, though, it usually isn’t a depressed feeling…I just feel empty and lonely.

I’ve prayed a lot about him, and in some ways, I’m sort of angry with God, but more at the circumstances than anything else. “Okay, so you send me the most wonderful guy I’ve ever met and he’s better than all the other guys I’ve dated combined and multiplied by ten, but you tell me I can’t have him? Just once can I have someone to love? Is that too fucking much to ask?” Guess so. Egh. I think right now, the only way I’m going to get by is just filling the gap where he used to be and keeping my days full…at the moment they’re so incredibly empty it’s absolutely wretched.

But, meh, *shrugs* it’s just a stupid teen romance. I’ll get over it in three minutes or whatever.

I loathe the adolescent me. I can’t wait to get to adulthood, where I’m given leave to take my emotions seriously.

Listening: One Evening~Leslie Feist

Reading: Rain~Me, Tango de Roxanne-Me

Warnings: this is a LONG, random, rambling, nonsensical post that will take a little time to finish. Be afraid.

View the rest of this entry…

I apologize for not updating sooner. There’s really been little to update about, but, I can feel things changing. I can’t put my finger on it, but I think something big is going to happen, soon. Perhaps I’m just being paranoid, but, things seem to have settled into that weird, unexpected lull that happens just before a storm. It’s strange, and a little unnerving. But, meh, I welcome it, whatever it may be.
I’ve decided to not write fantasy for a while. Don’t get me wrong, I love fantasy, but I want to write something closer to ‘home.’ I’ve got a theory in my head and so just to get some development I think I may blog a little about it. I’ll write further on that, later.
I wonder why a lot of parents today have come to the conclusion that at some point between 13 and 20 their child is going to start hating them and that won’t quit ’til the child is about 30? This is something I’ve pondered on frequently. I, for one, do not hate my parents. I love and appreciate them, my Mum is one of my dearest friends and I respect my dad’s opinion (on most topics) above most, if not all, others. Those of you that do dislike your parents and are reading this most likely presume it’s because I’ve been brainwashed by my parents and homeschooling. Sometimes, that can be true, but I don’t think so in my case.
Because the protagonist of my next story is going to be a male early 20-something, I’ve had to think a lot about why my relationship with my parents is different from others. I think there are three main differences, I’ll write about two for now and save the other for another time. For one thing, my parents respect my opinion and expect me to be a thinking, functioning member of society whenever I’m in the company of others. One thing I observe a lot is that parents get very caught up in their work, for the sake of buying their children ‘things’ Excessive commodities that will most likely be trashed within the year. They think that by buying their children things and taking them to nice exotic places they will buy their love. That isn’t how it works. Don’t get me wrong, commodities aren’t bad, but gifts don’t replace time. Nor are they an acceptable way to ask forgiveness for it. Don’t make inanimate objects your penance for not giving proper attention to your child.
Even whenever I was smaller, I was most happy having ’serious’ discussions with my Mum and Dad. I think that parents oft forget that their children have brains, they have feelings, they hurt, they laugh, they love, they are able to have abstract thought.
I think they overrule their child’s opinions beforehand, concluding that their ‘just kids.’ And finding the discussions that they have to be ’silly.’ Well, I’m sorry, loves, you don’t just suddenly hit the 25-year mark and find yourself to mysteriously become a functioning individual. It’s a gradual process, and if you aren’t going to listen to their opinions, your child’s going to find someone that will. Listen to what your child says, and, even if you may not respect their opinions, respect them as people. Some kings and queens were passing laws and settling treaties at the age your teenager is. I realize that you cannot stop the world for your teenager, but, it isn’t always about quality, so much as quantity, that will be remembered.
That doesn’t mean their won’t be some frustration, you can’t live with someone for such a long period of time without some tenseness. That’s just humanity, dears.
Another thing is people are so caught up in making sure that their children get good educations, so they can get good jobs, they make sure their children have nice things. But how about the “R” word that only seems to earn rolled eyes? For those of you unaware, I’m speaking of responsibility. If your child doesn’t understand how to apply him/herself to their education, do you honestly expect them to remember half of what they are told and apply it to their job? How do you think they’re going to submit to authority in work if he/she can’t even listen to their parents? Sorry, but this concept of “what’s best for us” is so very far from it.
The dissatisfaction of most parents with their children, generally (not always, but generally), the blame is to rest squarely on the parents shoulders. The child is simply doing what they’re taught is acceptable, and most of what you teach your children isn’t through verbal command, I assure you.
I ask any of you parents who are reading this to take a moment and try to think like your teenager, or to imagine your son or daughter a teenager (if they are not yet that age). I assure you, though I experience it less than others, the frustration of feeling that you have a mind that’s suitable enough for adult situations but having the limitations of an adolescent body is a very frustrating thing. Now think of having to repress that, and keep it repressed; feeling like no one else understands. Surely not adults, for it is something only the young or the powerless can truly comprehend. Have you got it? Yes? Good. Keep that, hold it to your heart and remember that feeling of anger and impotency the next time your child has an inexplicable outburst.
I hope you’ll forgive my rudeness in this post, and please, feel free to criticize.

Love,
Rowena